tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
