I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
