gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
