I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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