It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just gargled with NyQuil
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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