Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
