1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Its about making memories worth repressing
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
This toilet bowl is my home.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
