I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
