Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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