First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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