Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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