I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
