I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Soap is not a condiment
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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