I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
