I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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