dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
