Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
