the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
