Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
