I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
