I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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