My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
