i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
