just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
