I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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