thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
