and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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