I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
The air taste purple.
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