frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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