I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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