My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
