I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
