Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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(631): View more from New York

Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.

(906): View more from Michigan

so you're not coming in to work today?

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

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(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

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(410): View more from Maryland

SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed

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