Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have aggressive nipples.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
