I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
