Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
