he shaved USA in his pubs
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
