she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
