yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My ATM looks so different sober.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
