all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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