he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
