Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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