I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
