the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
