everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
