Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
