did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
