I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
