Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
