Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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