i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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