It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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